In the morning of 12th June, 2017, I was very excited and also scared because I was stepping into the unknown - out of my comfort zone. This was my first solo trip ever. There were butterflies in my stomach and random thoughts in my mind - “what will they make me do?” “will I be able to do it?” “what will others think of me if I can’t ?” “ Hope people don’t laugh at me.” etc. etc. However with all such uncertainties in the heart I set foot on the platform bidding goodbye to my husband and boarded the train with a set of new faces. Little did I know that life was about to change and these faces will turn out to be a set of great human beings and life long friends.

When we reached Junga after a long ride, we were allotted tents and after quick refreshments we began our adventure at the camp. We started with the Pipe game where we were divided into teams and each team had to put a marble into a glass using a number of open half pipes within a certain time frame. I immediately jumped into the game and told others what I thought was the best way to do it. After a quick discussion we started the game with the intent of winning and doing better than the other teams. However we failed to put the marble in the glass. I was upset and blamed others for not being able to win as I thought I had given my best while others had not. But when we were asked to delve deep and reflect on the activity, I realised that it was not them but I who was at fault.  I was overconfident, had trust issues (did not have faith in others plans) and was dominating. I did not play as a team and  my focus was not to complete the task in its totality but to win. That night I went to sleep with a heavy heart thinking about my nature of trying to control everything and feeling vulnerable. 

On day 2, we were taken on a trek downhill through a difficult and narrow path. On reaching our destination I realised I had to do something I never imagined I will ever do - RAPPELLING !! I have vertigo and my heart by then was already beating too fast. My mind was running helter-skelter to come up with excuses to escape the task but on the other hand I did not want to come out as the weaker one in the group. So, I decided I have to do it. My batchmates were a great source of motivation for me. After gathering enough courage, with sweaty palms and cold feet, I did the unimaginable. It was a HUGE moment - a great sense of accomplishment. I wanted to do it again. For the first time in a long while I turned around and said  “ I will beat you Fear”. I realised that the challenges and limitations are all in the mind. 

In the afternoon , we went for our next activity “ Tera tera” (Rope Bridge). This was a team activity. We were taught the basic knots and how to use the set of tools to build the rope bridge from the top to the valley. Three captains were chosen who had to call out names of the people they wanted in their teams. My heart was fluttering as I did not want to be the last one to be picked. To my relief, Tanvi called my name in the second round itself. “Phew..!!! what a relief…!!!” I had come down for the activity with full energy and vigour to do my best (fresh confidence from the morning activity!!) but as soon as the task started, I was clueless. There was lot of chaos, confusion and debate about how to solve the problem and I was not being able to understand the situation. As a result, I stepped back. I wanted to understand and learn from others. But with too many people trying to take charge, there was utter confusion. We once again failed as a team. I lost all my initial enthusiasm and alienated myself from the task. 

Every day of the retreat posed challenges bigger than the previous day. We started the third day with “FIRO-B”. My values for expressed and desired affection, inclusion and control were pretty close. I realised I know myself well but not perfectly. Yet to my surprise, the result for expressed need for affection came low. I put my thinking hat on and started asking questions to myself. I got a few unsatisfactory answers from my past experiences where I was called intrusive but I still feel that is not all. 

Now comes the biggest challenge. We were told that we need to do an uphill trek of 7.5 kms, have a picnic there, spend the night and come back the next morning. Could I do it? I wasn’t sure but my mind was not looking for excuses any more. How come ? What happened ? I was surprised at myself. I packed the rucksack and started climbing. But soon felt a sharp pain on my right knee - it was from the fall during rappelling when I lost balance. Together it was decided that I will come with a few others in a car. I felt annoyed at myself because I really wanted to do this. 

By the time we reached the top of the hill, others were already there. They finished the trek in record time. Wow !!! What spirit !! We immediately started gathering wood as we had to finish cooking before it became dark. It was an amazing night of cooking together and enjoying an    evening picnic in the hills. Everyone was allotted a role which they fulfilled to their best ability. 

After dinner, we gathered around a bonfire for music and dance. Nobody would believe that we had just come together as a group 2 days back !! Just when we were enjoying ourselves to the core and were planning to rest for the night, they unveiled another challenge for us. It was going to be “SOLO NIGHT” - meaning we were to sleep alone, away from each other in that pitch dark valley under the clouds praying that it doesn’t rain, snakes don’t come to visit us, insects don’t crawl over our faces and friendly ghosts don’t drop in to say hello while passing by. It was difficult to sleep that night. But slowly exhaustion took over and I slipped into my dreamland. Next morning I woke up all fresh, ready to roar again. It was so peaceful to sleep  in the lap of nature amidst the chirping of crickets. I wondered whether I would have ever agreed to do such adventurous tasks had my family or friends asked me to. I think I would have fought my way out of it before but after this, I will definitely go out with them and play along. I was doing things that were unthinkable to me.. I was pushing my frontiers.. I was confronting my fears… I was making amends.. I was coming out of my comfort zone.

Its the 4th day in the camp. We came back from the valley in the morning soon after getting up and cleaning the place to catch breakfast and start our sessions. We all shared our experiences of the previous night - it was a first for many. Next we had a “Dream Body” session where we had to draw a human body and pen down our dreams at different stages of our life beginning with the foot. During this activity, it dawned on me that I did not have too many dreams as a child and even if I had, I did not recall them.  The only thing that bothered me was that I gave up on my dream to become a doctor too soon. And since then I just went with the flow but was never completely and truly satisfied with what I did. Till date, I am still trying to find my way.

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We were in our tents that evening when we were asked to come out. It was dark outside - all the road side lamps where switched off. We held each other and followed our instructor. “Is it a fire bed ahead of us?” We all could see the obvious and just couldn’t believe our eyes or minds. “Do we have to jump into the fire?” “ I think we have to walk on the fire” - Ideas echoed all around. And to our disbelief we all walked on fire..literally. I felt invincible. I realised I was so much stronger than I thought. I was on the top of the world. I was ready to take any risk or challenge thrown at me. “Bring it on!” I said to myself all charged up. 

It was time to go back home. But I was not ready to go back to my comfort zone. I had tasted life beyond which was challenging yet so very interesting. I was ready to embrace the unknown - to swim against the tide. I was getting my confidence back. We were no longer individuals, we were a team, a cohort of free spirits aspiring to bring change in the world, taking small steps towards achieving that goal together.